A Million Ways, Wrecked

Paul and I had hoped for what the adoption industry refers to an "open adoption".

Wait.

Let me rephrase that: we always hoped for what we thought the adoption industry meant by open adoption. What we quickly discovered that most "open adoptions" are not really open at all. While families may meet each other or parents relinquishing their children may choose or interview an potential families, they may never know which state their child ends up in or what the adoptive families last name is. Most of the time communication is handled through the agency. Often agreements are made about how many times a year families are to send pictures or updates. Of course, it all hinges on good will and intention of the adopting family and none of it is really enforceable. Many times these updates are only expected for the first few years, or requested only once a year until the child turns 18.

Many families adopting infants feel safer with these parameters. Sometimes, it is our unexamined insecurities over the perceived legitimacy of the family we are attempting to build. Or, maybe it is our discomfort with the potential role that our child's bio family may play. At any rate, many of us welcome these guidelines. While we speak with great warmth or respect about our child's bio family, we are careful to not to push towards an actual relationship. To be fair, many bio mothers and fathers have their own feelings about desiring (or not desiring) a relationship, and sometimes the safety of the child is a factor. It is never simple. I know that. BUT. But. More often than not, it is the agencies setting these parameters for the relationship in order to reassure the adoptive family that they are in control, or to minimize the grief and loss inherent in these situations. Obviously, there are exceptions. Many agencies and states are working to discourage anonymity. Some families are able to see their way through their own stuff to find a healthy way of including part or parcel of their child's family. Even so, the more I've read and researched and lived, the more uncomfortable I am with what adopting parents have become accustomed to accepting. Domestic adoption is not the cloak and dagger secrecy of decades past. But sometimes-- specifically in the case of infant adoptions-- it doesn't feel like we've come far enough.

The out-of-state folks that facilitated both our adoptions were both pragmatic and empathetic. We have checked in with them over the years and J has told us that she felt like she was treated with compassion and honesty. We know other folks who have worked with them and have felt the same way. Still, we had to push through the status quo in that first year after Augie came home. While J had specified the type of communication she wanted, she had been advised by them as to what was "typical" and they cautioned us against providing too much identifying information initially. And while I understood their rationale for our particular situation, we let them know that we would like her to know as much as she wanted as soon as they felt it was appropriate. We talked it through. We understood the risks. Even then, I think we loved our kids enough to know that Paul and I would probably never truly be enough as they got older.

I want to talk about our feelings about openness and our reasons for desiring it in more detail, but for now, let me just say that our desire for each of our kids is that they have the best chance possible at feeling Whole. There will be plenty of unknowns in their lives, but there are also plenty that is known: including living, breathing, people that love them and know them as their flesh and blood. It is complicated (and I ask you: WHAT FAMILY ISN'T??) and heart breaking. It is also beautiful.

Which brings me to now and a trip we had been saving for and planning for a long time.

The six of us flew to Florida to spend precious time being in the same space as their living, breathing, loving flesh and blood. It was an enormous privilege. It might prove to be the best decision we ever make. I learned that 98% (conservatively) of who my kids are is related entirely to nature and that the nurture part of their being is merely a bonus. Turns out all the crap I've been trying as a parent... well... I can just stop now and live a little. They are going to be fine. We have always considered these people as a part of our family, but it is now something more than theoretical.

We are home now. Changed. I am wrecked. My kids are wrecked. The grief is palpable. But (and again, I say BUT) we are also closer to being whole and seeing our way through to something better.

It is a gift.

Comments

[Carolyn]

Dude. Bawling.

[Lori]

wow. so moving. you are all so blessed to have each other. you are a wonder.

[Jo]

How brave of you. And what a wonderful gift to your children. But oh the heartache.

[Sarah]

This is beautiful, and so are all of you. You are good people, Frenchie. xo

[martha]

Yes to what Sarah said - you are good people.
and you inspire me to be a better person. thank you.

[Brian]

Your sensitivity and your love is incredible, and I'm in awe, Melissa.

[Alicia A.]

Oh, Melissa. An amazing family any way you look at it.

[laura]

I'm a bio grandmother of a 13 year old that was placed for adoption at birth. It was an open adoption and the adoptive parents encouraged our contact and visits. In the first couple of years it ripped my heart out - I didn't know if I could survive the grief, but as time went on it became easier. I have to say that I cannot imagine a better situation for that young boy to grow up in. It is obvious to him that he basks in the love of this huge extended adoptive and bio family. He has so many parents and grandparents and great grandparents, uncles and cousins, to love and spoil him, but also to answer his questions. If I were to design a perfect situation it would be just like what we have. This is only possible with adoptive parents who are confident of their roles as parents, and with bio family that are sensitive to the adoptive parents and needs of the child. My grandson lives about 60 miles away and often stays over on weekends, and has gone on long trips with me to visit other family members. All of us are working together to give him the kind of life we wish him to have. We're so lucky that we all get to love this boy so well! Open adoption can work.

[Carissa]

Thank you for this post that once again confirms that we chose the right adoption agency. We have a very open relationship with my son's birthfamily largely because of our agency's education, mentoring and then stepping back to let birth and adoptive families create their own relationship without having to go through an intermediary (unless a problem arises and one of us asks them for advice). Yes, adoption is full of grief on all sides, but how much less scary is known grief than the unknown "what-if's" and "I wonder's"? I am so happy to hear that your families had a chance to spend time together. That is powerful and important. Blessings to you all as you process your trip.

[Erin]

The love you have for your family is amazing. I'm am continuously inspired and awed by your open heart and generous spirit. You are doing it right, Melissa.

[Shari]

thank you for this post, melissa. you inspire me.

[Tiffany]

Thank you for once again baring your soul. What a beautiful thing.

[lindaroo]

No adequate words... So much goodness... God bless you!

[allbuttonedup]

Laura--
I am grateful to you for sharing your story. I think adopting parents need to do a better job of looking at the long game. The act of adopting is a one time act-- the act of building family is never ending. Thank you.

[allbuttonedup]

Carissa! Thanks for sharing this part of your story.

[allbuttonedup]

So are you, lady.

[allbuttonedup]

And you, me, Shari! This is a strange, wonderful world we are a part of isn't, it?

[allbuttonedup]

Parenting is so much heartache, isn't it?

[allbuttonedup]

Not. My. Fault.

[allbuttonedup]

I am probably better on paper, Brian. (Thank you. Thank you.)

[Aylin]

brought tears to my eyes. thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts and heart here. sending love to all the branches of your amazing family. xo

[Cathy]

Reading this with the perspective of a "custodial" step-mom of a 19 year old. The mom lives in the next time zone. Visitations were few and far between and it was hard to let him go (even though it was the right thing) and I can only imagine how hard it was for his mom to let him go with his dad. Frankly, I could only imagine it once I had a baby.

I'm so impressed with how intentional you are being with having your guys know more about their whole story having them know more people who love them (you can't have too many.) And having reciprocal opportunities for J.

[Nancy]

Wow-what a gift you gave all of your children. This is the example of true family and a brave mothers love. Being so secure in your love for them and their love for you is what is going to make four amazing people for the planet! Thank you for this! I'm not nearly as well written as you but this is such a super cool thing!

[Jennifer]

Such a powerful post. I don't know what else to say but thank you for sharing it. I'm continually awed by your family. You are doing good things.

[Margo, Thrift at Home]

oh my. Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

My mother-in-law is adopted and has struggled long and hard to come to terms with it. She seached relentlessly for her bio mom and finally, when she was in her 60s, she found her in England. And now, my m-i-l very deliberately opens her vacation home every year so an adoptive family and a bio mom can meet on neutral turf and connect. I LOVE the healing in her story. If we ever adopted a child, I know I would want the path of openess and honesty. (Also, related, I just finished reading Brother and Sister, a novel by Joanna Trollope about adopted adults finding their bio moms - beautifully written and not bitter.)